Hyperion-X

Monday, June 09, 2003

996: The List

Hyperion X⁹⁹⁶

The List: Part 1 of ?

Ways you can get out all your homicidal rage without inviting over your in-laws

A few months ago I wrote about THE LIST, a compilation of all your Enemies, preferably prioritized. My current Top 5 are:

5 Sarah on C.S.I. (I recently saw an episode where she was mean to my boy Warrick)

4 The Snuggle Bear

3 Jim Comey (Lead prosecutor against Martha Stewart)

2 Empire Maker (For beating Funny Cide in The Belmont and depriving me of a Triple Crown winner)

1 Owen Gleiberman (movie reviewer for Entertainment Weekly)

But then I thought of how to take it up a notch…

There is this 1995 movie called The Last Supper, about a bunch of liberal intellectuals who get involved in a situation where they have to kill a racist dinner guest to protect themselves. After their feelings of power overcome their horror, they ask the question “What if you could kill Hitler before he was Hitler?” and proceed to invite over right-wing thinkers for dinner, with the idea of killing them by poisoned wine if they were too horrible.

The satire is obvious and grows a bit thin; although it is funny to see the group’s standards of evil lower over time. They start off killing a guy who thinks AIDS is God’s punishment for gays, and then knock off a male chauvinist, followed by someone who litters. At one point a guy shows up with a Swastika, and they skip dinner and go straight to the wine. I think my favorite was this little woman who wanted to burn Catcher in the Rye for too much swearing.

Predictably, their lives go awry and they are foiled in the end by Ron Perlman playing a Rush Limbaugh clone, who outwits them and gets the last laugh. All in all, a mildly amusing movie that’s supposed to make you THINK and get the MESSAGE.

Well, I thought about it, and I got a clear message: there are many people that I should be killing.

I thought about bringing this up in the Hyperion Chronicles, but that can be a pretty uptight group, and anyway I knew my Hyperion X bitches were much better fitted to the task. So, my people: I charge you with two things. First, if you happen to run into anyone on this list, feel free to kill them at leisure and feed their body to large dogs. Second, send me more names! I myself am not angry enough to write many of these, but I know some of you are. With the name, write a short (150-200 word) paragraph eloquently explaining why, or just convince me and if you accomplish that I’ll write about it. Once the names are sanctioned you can feel good knowing there are hunters out there helping you out.

To start with I have two entries, one I thought of and one inspired by Hyperion X reader Abigail, who has her own axe to grind.

Hotel California

My submission would be anyone who has ever had design and marketing input for AOL E-mail, specifically the Address Book. I hate all of these miserable fucks. My father is trying to get off AOL and go with another ISP. He has a huge address book, but it’s on the AOL E-mail, not his Windows Address Book. He asked me to transfer it over, and I agreed, figuring it wouldn’t be that hard.

Wrong.

I spent over 7 hours working on that damn thing, to no avail. AOL makes it plenty easy to input address books from Microsoft or whomever, but getting them out is another matter. It’s like the Hotel California: “You can check out any time you’d like but you can never leave.” Tru Dat. So, for wasting my time and making my father’s life miserable, I want all those AOL E-mail Address Book pricks dead and eaten.

Misogyny in Mouse Ears

Has anyone noticed how violent animated Disney films are? It seems like someone is always dying. I get quite a kick out of this: how Disney is the paragon of virtue for so many people, yet they seem quite subversive with how they slip in all the death (and this isn’t even to mention the legendary sex that’s snuck in under wraps).

However, after Hyperion X reader Abigail made her case, I’m beginning to think that Disney hates all women, specifically mothers. Abigail went and saw Finding Nemo with her daughter, and wrote to tell me that Nemo’s mom gets eaten in the first 3 minutes. According to her, this was a trend. Abigail sent me this list of Disney films where the mothers were missing or bad, and begged me to look into it further. At first I was hesitant, because Abigail is pregnant, and as we all know, pregnant women are crazier than regular women by a long shot, and that’s saying something. But, as we also all know, cross a pregnant woman at your own peril. So I did some checking.

And believe me, I’m now more than convinced that Disney has it out for moms. Just look at a few Disney movies:

Beauty and the Beast: no mother around

Cinderella: evil stepmother, whom Freud would tell us represents the mother

Dumbo: mom has big ears (okay, that one’s a stretch, but she has to be a bad mother. She let her child hang out with racist stereotypes and fly without a helmet!)

Jungle Book: mother is a wolf

Pinocchio: creation of life with no mother involved

Pocahontas: no mother

Tarzan: mother killed early (father too), raised by gorilla (who also dies, I think)

Snow White: no real mother. Step-Mother (Freud again) super evil

Sleeping Beauty: evil mother-in-law (represents mother)

Bambi: who doesn’t remember this?

There is obviously something rotten going on. Abigail’s theory is that this all started with Walt Disney, who we all know had many deep issues. I’d like to think that if Walt were alive today he’d be on Jerry Springer. Of course, you’ve heard the rumors about Walt…(to help out the stupid and give me a chance to use gratuitous language: Walt was supposed to have had a VERY close relationship with his mother, in other words, as rappers and Italians might put it, he was a mother-fucker). Anyway, until cryogenically frozen Walt is brought back to life we can’t kill him, but that doesn’t mean we can’t hack the current creative minds at Disney to death! So let’s get to it.

And send me more names!

Hyperion
June 09, 2003

Credits
Thanks to Abigail for hounding me
Thanks to the 1^st Amendment, which allows me to humorously advocate killing thousands of people, as long as they are not well liked
Thanks to all pregnant women everywhere, for giving guys hope that at least for 40 weeks, there is foolproof birth control

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