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Hodgepodge
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Hyperion Answers the Question: Will he ever stop bitching like Michael Moore at a Republican Fundraiser? (Hint: not today)
Things I’m mad about
Things I can’t decide whether to be mad about
Other Curios
The first BCS poll came out yesterday. I want to be fair about this, but the people who invented the BCS will be relegated to a special level of Hell reserved for Child Molesters and people who talk at the theatre. Grrr!!!! I’m too mad to go on about this. More later when I’m more coherent.
I hate these exploitative true-life movies. For one, they are never true. In this case, I think it’s an especially bad idea. I think we can all agree that the guy who took Elizabeth Smart out of her home is evil and should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
But that being said, this story has never sat right with me. The girl was 14. Even in Utah (actually; especially in Utah, where you can and many girls do get married at 14) she should know better. Elizabeth’s sister said Elizabeth didn’t protest being taken. Then we found out the girl lived several miles from her home the whole time. Most disturbing, she traveled with her abductor and his “other” wife, and was on tape at parties, etc. With the amount of coverage, it seems inexplicable to me that she couldn’t have walked away and told some authority at some point.
Now, before you get those G-strings all in a bunch; I’m aware of brainwashing and emotional terror, blah blah blah. And I’ve previously said the guy is still guilty no matter what, because despite Utah law, this is a kid. But I’d bet dollars to donuts that the girl wanted to go. I mean; it is Utah, where polygamy ain’t exactly uncommon. I bet she was enamored by this guy, and thought she was part of some holy marriage.
I could be completely wrong. But something doesn’t feel right about the details we know, and CBS was stupid to make a movie already, especially one towing the family point-of-view line like this one.
I love ménage a trois stories as much as the next guy. I’m not a hater. But the cold reality is these things don’t work in real life. I was watching Nip/Tuck the other night when this occurred to me.
For a guy, it sounds fantastic. You love breasts, and four is better than two, right? (The same ratio applies to all other parts). I mean; there is no fantasy more prevalent right now in North American society than two women. (My two of the moment? Kate Beckinsale and Condaleeza Rice. I don’t know why that appeals to me. It just does).
But here’s the thing: we humans are jealous creatures. And that’s why threesomes don’t work in real life.
Let’s say hypothetically you and your girlfriend (we’ll call her “Britney”) want to bring in a third party (hypothetically, let’s call her “Keira Knightley”). So anyway, you and “Britney” and “Keira” are all together. They are kissing or whatever (not being married and therefore by definition a virgin, I am not quite sure how this all goes, but you can use your imagination).
Everything seems wonderful, but what if “Britney” discovers she likes “Keira”? What if she moans differently, or follows through better? She could end up leaving you.
Or, you and “Keira” might have a great old time, and that might make “Britney” mad. Trust me on this folks: I know it sounds great, but threesomes don’t work in relationships. What about one-night stands, you ask? Well, if you’re that depraved, I suppose nothing will bother you, so knock yourself out.
I got this email the other day I don’t know what to do with. It’s from a friend of mine, from college, and (assumably) a column reader. I’ve changed nothing:
Niggie, Do you have a job, or do you just sit at your computer and write these articles 24 hours a day. Come on dogg, get out and experience life instead of writing about the best movies of all-time or why "Scrubs" is the best TV show. Do people actually take 10 minutes out of their day and read your endless babble?! [Name Withheld]
I’m honestly not sure how to take this. I asked several members of the Hyperion Institute Council, but reaction was mixed, so I bring it to you. I try to let mail roll off me, but I usually don’t get this type from friends. Then again, maybe he’s kidding, but I don’t know. I could write a scathing response (pretty much all my initial drafts started with “Fuck Off.”), but I don’t want to just react. That would seem to add validity to what he says. He doesn’t know my life very well. And while I guess he’s read some columns (to know I am writing about TV), he clearly hasn’t been reading many, or I don’t see how he could possibly say I don’t experience life. As long-time readers can attest, more shit happens to me than anyone else I know. I’m Ta’veren for God’s sake!
So, like I said, I bring this to my Hyperion X posse. Do I let it go, react with venom, or something else entirely?
Other Curios
Just for the Hell of it
What on earth is “Holly Hobby” and why were girls so obsessed with it? First one to tell me wins two extra months—Free!—on their current subscription.
Upcoming
If I get my act together, I’m doing an X on ‘80s movies. I also want to tackle swearing, Backstreet Boys Lyrics, and Matrix characters (that last one before the third movie comes out). I’m open to any ideas you all have as well. Is there something I should be ranting and declaring Jihad on?
Rhyme Time
I got a lot of mail back on my recent attempts at poetry. I have a few more poems, which I may share. But I don’t want to be the only one, so I open it up. If you would like, send me your poetry, and if I like it (or especially hate it), I’ll include it, anonymously, if you’d prefer. Then we can get made fun of together, like we’re the Cincinnati Bengals!
Finally
For those of you who’ve been asking to see what I look like, I have broken down and included a picture. I hope you’re happy.
Selah.
Hyperion
October 21, 2003
Credits
Thanks to Cephas
© 2000-2012 by Hyperion All Rights Reserved. I'm guessing most of you are too stupid to read this far down, so I feel no compunction about bragging to my friends about your wife/girlfirend/mother/irish setter