Hyperion-X

Friday, April 16, 2004

976: In Defense of Blasphemy

Hyperion - X⁹⁷⁶

In Defense of Blasphemy

Hyperion gets back up on his (reinforced steel) soapbox, because let’s face it: he’s one sanctimonious bastard

This was originally going to go before Easter, to get the full Blasphemic effect, but my Judas column wore my ass out. Before I get into it, though, I’d like to take a moment to defend blasphemy. Words are what we use to communicate. The more you understand zoology and the animal kingdom, the more profound that gets. In many ways, it is the dividing line between humans and the rest of the planet. So, I would never argue that words can’t have an impact. They are most often what lead to the wonderful and terrible events in our world.

But the idea of blasphemy is just stupid. Not only are we giving words a power they shouldn’t have (see my many rants on swearing), but we are saying we not only know the nature of God but that he/she/it/Evon is going to be pissed at our disrespect. Unlike some, I don’t claim to know that nature of God. But pretty much by freaking definition, any “God” is not going to get caught up in our petty little shit. At least, I hope not, because what a pussy God that would be (and not pussy God in a good way, as I can already see those in Orlando, Florida getting excited). The bottom line is, what we do as people, how we treat others, how we make them feel, what to do to make things better; these are the things that reflect on us as people. Blasphemy is just humor, or at least its attempt.

Of course, blasphemy might offend some of the less open-minded people out there, but what the hell are they doing reading Hyperion X? The bastards. Anyway, I found some riff I wrote a few years ago (the first item), and quicker than Bill Clinton drops a C-Note in a Cat-House, this column was born. Everything in here is blasphemous in some way, to God, women, men, Walt Disney; etc. Actually, none of them are, but thinking makes it so.

And somewhere Alex Trebek spins in his grave (if he had one)…
Occasionally it’s said of me that I’m a very strange person, and while I consider that accusation to be malicious gossip-mongering, I suppose I do have my moments. One such peccadillo I will admit to is talking back to road signs as if they were literal. For example, if I see a sign that reads “Keep Right” or “Keep Left,” I will immediately start in with “Burn the environment!” or “Welfare for everyone!”

Today I drove by a shop with a sign in the marquee that read, “CHRIST IS THE ANSWER, NO MATTER WHAT THE QUESTION.” Into my mind sprang all sorts of blasphemous questions: Who broke the lamp? Who put the empty juice carton back in the fridge? Who knocked up my sister? The thought of a sheepish Jesus taking the blame for everything ala those ghosts in Family Circus had me laughing so hard I almost ran off the road. If any of this offends you (and it’s not meant to), remember this: be careful what you say and how it can be interpreted.

Wait: I can do better than that. I come from a long line of preachers who can turn anything into a sermon illustration. Hmmm…how about this? Since Jesus died for our sins, it’s like he really did break the lamp, replace the empty juice carton, and, ahem, knock up your sister. And he did it all for you. I better stop before I explain how pedophilic priests are just misinterpreting the verse “Suffer the little children unto me.”

You know you’ve thought about it…
Do you think Stephen Hawking gets laid a lot? Don’t you think it’d be erotic to hear him say “Who’s your daddy?” with that computerized voice on his machine?

Sound Advice
The best way to keep a secret is to not tell the person you’re kidnapping.

Wisdom that only a half-Mexican/half-Cuban can provide…
I had this friend Carlos, who would do some pretty dumb things. His defense was always, “Chicks like that shit,” no matter what it was, and in spite of myself I’d laugh. Carlos claims this comes from the Bible, when Jesus was asked why he did miracles, and he replied, “Chicks like that shit.”

Pissed off Zen
What is the sound of one hand kicking your ass?

That sociopath Walt is at it again…
Last year I wrote about how subversive Disney was in their movies, and how they seemed to always be sticking it to women. The partial list:

Beauty and the Beast: no mother around

Cinderella: evil stepmother, whom Freud would tell us represents the mother

Dumbo: mom has big ears (okay, that one's a stretch, but she has to be a bad mother. She let her child hang out with racist stereotypes and fly without a helmet!)

Jungle Book: mother is a wolf

Pinocchio: creation of life with no mother involved

Pocahontas: no mother

Tarzan: mother killed early (father too), raised by gorilla (who also dies, I think)

Snow White: no real mother. Step-Mother (Freud again) super evil

Sleeping Beauty: evil mother-in-law (represents mother)

Bambi: who doesn't remember this?

Now we get word from a reader that they’re at it again. Apparently Minnie Mouse is (and I’m quoting her), “a total slut, and is totally fucking Pluto.” I’m not sure where she gets her information, but even I have noticed that Minnie is a terrible female role model. She’s always ditching Mickey for that putz Mortimer, and Mickey has to win her back. A total mousecock tease, if you ask me. And Daisy Duck isn’t much better. Everything is always about her. You see the problem here: once again Disney is giving us two female role models; a skanky ho and a selfish bitch. About the only one who’s nice is Goofy’s squeeze Clarabell, and she’s as ugly as a cow (which, she is, but that’s beside the point). I say it’s time Disney got off the Misogyny trip and started giving us some realistic female role models! Who’s with me?

Two out of Three ain’t bad…
I was talking to this girl about children we might have, and what we’d name them (you’d be surprised how much girls like to talk about this, or as Carlos would say, “Chicks like that shit”). I voiced the opinion that our son would be named Agamemnon, after the famous fighter from the Trojan War. She (who knew much more about the story than I), immediately responded by telling me that Aggie (as I call him) had raped Helen of Troy and killed his own daughter. “That’s pretty cool,” I said. “A fierce warrior and a man of action. Of course, it would kind of suck for our granddaughter, but you can’t have everything.”

It’s pile on cripples day
Consider: If Christopher Reeve was a better horse-rider, you’d probably think he was one of the worst actors who ever lived. As I am a more honest (and therefore more evolved) person, I do anyway.

Let’s get off cripples…
I found the perfect line you can use when you want to change the subject. A few months ago I let it be known my feelings that Julie Andrews was completely unsexual. Not that she’s not attractive, but there’s no sensuality there. Anyway, we were talking about some girls we know, and I argued that one of them was completely without sexuality, much like Julie Andrews. Immediately one of my friends said, “Here we are again, back on Julie Andrews.” I retorted, “Yes, let’s get off Julie Andrews, because I’m tired and need some sleep.” So, the next time someone says something about anyone (your mom, George Bush, Mrs. Butterworth), you can respond, “Let’s get off ______________, because I’m tired and need some sleep.”

More Pissed off Zen
If a tree falls in the forest, and lands on and kills Julia Roberts, would she still look like a horse?

Heavy Putting
Finally, I was talking to the same girl who objected to Agamemnon—because he raped and murdered—about golf. She was going on and on about how it was sexist and unfair. Finally she said to me, “Have you ever tried to hit a golf ball with breasts?” to which I replied, “No, I prefer a four-iron.”

Selah, T’ai Qin, and Gatty Five,

Hyperion
April 16, 2004

Credits
Thanks to the inimitable Carlos
Thanks to Aslan and Zach
Thanks to Pebbles
Thanks to Abigail
Thank to Ella

Posted by Anonymous :: 8:41 PM :: Permalink :: 0 comments