Hyperion-X

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

971: The Great Debates

Hyperion X⁹⁷¹

The Great Debates

Boldly going where no one has gone before (admittedly; no one has ever wanted to go there before, but dammit: I want my Star Trek music playing heroically)

Fair Warning: This is Hyperion X. It is not the regular, thought provoking Hyperion Chronicles, or MovieHype. For those new readers or ones with bad memories (read: lots of drugs), Hyperion X is an uncensored forum for literally anything. If you’re easily offended, this is not for you. If you wear bloomers (a.k.a. granny-panties), this is not for you. If you’re not comfortable throwing small children off of cliffs and blaming the world-wide conspiracy that is the Olson Twins, this is not for you. For those that come with: Abandon all Hope, Caveat Emptor, Semper Ubi Sub Ubi, and so forth. You’ve been warned.

TODAY’S AGENDA
When did pantiliner become a word?
Should there be a fifth base?
Is oral sex sex?
New word for fingering
Orgasm vs. bowel movement

We here at the Hyperion Institute for Advanced Callimastian/Callipygian/Kickassian Studies have decided to start a periodic series where we answer some of life’s most philosophical, thought-provoking, life-changing questions. And though our critics may say it’s just a bunch of sex-talk, I steadfastly defend it. After all, this is the stuff people actually care about; they’re usually just too embarrassed to mention. Much like PBS or Joan Rivers at award shows, we’re a public service.

As I’m writing this, I’m on IM with Koz, my sometimes editor and Hyperion X contributor. He just asked why “pantiliner” is now one word instead of the more traditional “panty liner.” I confess that I don’t know what these things are. I finally figured out tampons and pads (and the difference therein), but panty liners? As insatiably curious as I am, I’m not sure I want to know. (Seriously: I don’t know how women put up with their plumbing. I have a spastic colon and sometimes I want to shoot myself. But I digress.)

What is even more interesting to me is why Koz cares about this. I think I’ll ask him.

While I’m waiting, let’s talk for a minute about the bases. This has long been a passionate subject for me. When people talk about how “far” someone gets, they sometimes use the baseball analogy. First Base is French-kissing; Second Base is above the waist (also know as groping or “feeling up”); Third Base is below the waist (also known as fingering; more on that in a minute); and Fourth Base (home plate) is sex itself.

I maintain there should be five bases, which makes the analogy itself flawed (we need a new one). What am I talking about? The Bill Clinton dilemma.

Back in January of ’98, Bill Clinton swore up and down he’d never had sex with “that woman.” I said at the time (and was subsequently proved right), that he was going to defend that statement by claiming he had oral sex, which isn’t sex.

Now, I am of the opinion that oral sex is sex, but admittedly it isn’t quite the same as regular (vaginal) sex. However, it is a bit more than manual stimulation (if you follow me). Therefore, I think there needs to be a base between Third and Home. Who’s with me?

Speaking of manual stimulation, when I was growing up so many years ago, this practice was known as finger-banging, or more commonly, fingering. So then last Saturday night I was the designated chauffeur for my sister, her friend, and their two dates after the prom. (That night’s a column in and of itself.) On one of my many trips taking them from one place to the next, one of the guys in the back started talking about how while they were waiting for me this drunk guy started fingering him, so of course he fingered the drunken guy back.

I tells ya the truth: I almost ran off the road. I mean, I realize kids are a lot more casual about sex than in my day, but still. I told them in a strangled voice that there was to be no “fingering” in the back seat. They laughed and told me that the kids now say “fingering” for “flipping off.”

I suppose that makes a bit of sense (if it does sound odd to an old-schooler like myself), but it raises the question: if fingering now means flipping someone the bird, what is the new term for what used to be fingering? Being unmarried (and therefore a virgin) I don’t know of these things, so I beseech the Hyperion X audience for help.

Back to Koz and his panty liners. I asked him on IM why he cared. I am copying, verbatim, the exchange:

Koz: when did pantiliner become one word?

Koz: i thought it was panty liner

Koz: i only noticed this because i have a wife

Hyperion: sure that's why

Hyperion: although maybe I can put it in the column

Koz: well do you have an answer?

Koz: i mean we don't spell it cruisliner or eyliner

Hyperion: m-w.com doesn't call it a word, so neither do I

Koz: type pantiliner into google

Koz: all the major companies call it a word

Hyperion: why do you care that it's a word?

Koz: i don't know

Koz: its just one of those things

Koz: it just seems like an abomination

Koz: i mean who do they think they are? McDonalds?

Koz: they can't just make up words like that

Koz: BASTARDS

Koz: I bet they killed Kenny

Once again I beseech the audience: You see what I have to work with? I need better contributors. Also, if anyone has the answer for poor Koz, I will forward it.

Last in the agenda is one of the greatest philosophical conundrums that have ever come before me. I realize some of you will be uncomfortable, but quit your snickering and get over it. The question is: which sensation is better: the orgasm or the bowel movement?

I first posed this to my male friends (who begged not to be identified, even by their alii (which is, by the way, the plural of alias)). Immediately they came down in favor of the orgasm, because it feels so wonderful and so forth. But then one of them said, “It depends on what’s important to you. One the one hand, you’re talking about going from feeling normal to feeling great. On the other, you’re talking about going from uncomfortable, to normal.”

This was good analysis, but I countered: “You’re looking at this in a vacuum. But consider: if you don’t get to have an orgasm for a few days, your life will go on. But imagine waiting that long to let it out. Even a car ride can be murder.” They all agreed that when viewed in totality, the bowel movement was a better deal.

I thought the conversation was over, until a few days later when I brought this up with a woman (and oh, would I LOVE to tell you who this was). At first she was uncomfortable, but after a while she warmed to the subject, and got into it. She pointed out that the reason people so immediately assume that the orgasm is better is because of the surrounding factors.

When you’re talking about sex, she went on, you associate it with being naked with someone you love (or someone you’ve paid for, or if you’re hard up, at least thinking about being with someone you love, or thinking about being with someone you’ve paid for). However, when you talk about your colon, the association is lots of straining, unpleasant odors, and possibly chunks of corn. If you remove the other factors, the sensations might be more similar than we realize, or as she put it, “Taking a shit doesn’t get enough credit.”

I couldn’t have put it better myself.

So, there you have it. Are there burning questions that you wonder about, but have been too shy to bring up? Questions like: How young is too young? Are my parents still having sex? (And is it possible they’ve always been virgins?) What is a “normal” size? And, Seriously: what the hell are pantiliners anyway? Send in your questions and answers and we’ll do our best, because like I wrote earlier: we are a public service.

Hyperion
June 09, 2004

Credits
Thanks, obviously, to the resilient (if misguided) Koz
Thanks to those unnamed for the conversations above

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