Hyperion-X

Monday, October 04, 2004

969: T&A Q&A

HyperionX⁹⁶⁹

T&A Q&A

Everything You’ve ever wanted to know (and I don’t care what you say: deep down in places you don’t like to talk about, you DO want to know) about those wonderful provocative sexy bits that make up a Woman

First, a confession: It was not originally my idea to write this column. This waitress Jadrian hooked me up with free pie, and in a glucose-filled rush I agreed to write about whatever she desired. (I know, I know: I’m such a sugar-whore. But, in my defense, it was chocolate peanut-butter.)

So anyway, Jadrian says nothing about my rash promise for awhile, until one night, when she approaches my table out of the blue and says, “I want you to write about tits and asses.”

I look at Aslan silently, communicating in that Y Chromosome way, “Is she coming on to me?” I gathered there was something prompting this. “Do you have any topic in mind?” I asked.

“I want to know if anal sex is okay and what does it mean if a boy doesn’t want regular sex any more?” She said this all in a rush, as if she’d been thinking about it for a long time.

I was honor-bound to agree to her request, but couldn’t write an entire column about whether her BF (which stands for Boy Friend, or possibly Butt-Fucker) was half-a-fag. (And, by the way, the term “half-a-fag” is not considered derogatory when used in this sense, so save your letters.) Anyway, I compiled a few other T&A topics to round things out, if you’ll pardon the pun.

TABLE OF CONTENTS
The Evolution from Ass to Breast
13-year old Whores (Who’s to blame?)
The Hypocrisy of SOME women and how they dress
How big is too big? The debate rages
What do women ogle?
Is your Boy Friend gay?
YOU SAY YOU WANT A (R)EVOLUTION…

One might wonder why the female breasts are as plump as they are. (Others don’t wonder, but are simply thankful.) After all, our closest relatives, the primates, feature limp and saggy breasts except when feeding their young. Other than a Milk Factory, what purpose do breasts serve?

There is no definitive answer, but the best theory is that sexual evolution evokes genetic memory. Here’s how it works: early man was mostly hunched over. Sexual arousal in a male primarily centered on the hind-quarters of the female.

When Humans made the move to upright (decided at the Council of Ogg in 27842 B.C.), they gained many advantages. However, the female ass was no longer in prime sexual position, and the worry was that males would lose sexual interest. (If you ask me, this was needless concern. When have men ever lost sexual desire? A woman could be wearing six parkas and a muumuu; a man would still want to bang what’s inside. But I digress.)

Anyway, the decision was made to evolutionarily develop the breasts to resemble the butt, so men wouldn’t forget about sex. Indeed, if you look at the shape of breasts including cleavage, it does seem to resemble the curve of the ass. Go figure.

While I’m on the subject, you may wonder if there are any other signs and signals the female has to unconsciously remind men of sex. Glad you asked. Playing with hair is a big one. According to anthropologists, when a woman plays with her hair, she is harkening back to an earlier time in human development, when grooming for bugs was a huge social function. Primates still do it today, and it not only helps keep the animals clean and disease-free, but can be the beginning of a mating ritual. So, the next time a woman plays with her hair, what she’s really saying is, “Pull the bugs off my scalp and do me, big boy.”

One more? Okay, since you asked nicely. Have you ever wondered the purpose of lipstick? Well, during sexual arousal, the lips of the vagina become engorged with blood, and turn reddish. When clothes were invented, there was a fear that men would forget what the vagina looked like. So, at Ogg II, it was decided women would start coloring their lips. This coloration triggers an unconscious thought and reminds men of a sexually aroused vagina, presumably making them want to have sex. Something to think about, ladies; the next time you glide on that sassy new candy-apple red.

CRUCIFYING BRITNEY
There is a disturbing trend in young girls, to see if they can pass for prostitutes. Seriously, it’s gotten out of hand. I don’t mind admiring a good-looking adult woman. If she’s 17 or maybe 16, well, maybe there might be a look-but-don’t-touch factor.

However, some of these girls are 12 or 13, and dressed as though they are hooking their way across the country. If I see a girl and she’s dressed hot, that’s fine. But then I realize she’s not 21, but 13, and suddenly I feel like a dirty old man. WHAT I AM SAYING IS THAT I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK SEXUALLY AT A 13 YEAR OLD GIRL. You laugh and say it’s my problem, but with the way many girls dress, you can’t tell how old they are, and when you see them in provocative attire, it’s already too late to control those initial thoughts. It’s extremely disturbing that girls this young are dressing as sex objects. The question is: who’s to blame?

One answer is the clothing available. I’ve heard from reliable sources that it is very hard to find girls’ clothes that are not sexually suggestive. The tide may be turning slightly, but for years it has been this way. However, this doesn’t address the question of why it has been this way.

The Media has dubbed Britney Spears and her kind the scapegoat. And, as much as I love Britney, there is a lot of truth to this. Britney had a phenomenonally smart marketing strategy of sexualizing herself while innocently denying the whole thing. I can’t stress how brilliant this was. It allowed her to have a new look that would win converts. Young girls rarely need an excuse to look more “grown up.” Secondly, it tapped in to that teeming male sexual pathos that bubbles below the surface of polite society. Men have ALWAYS been attracted to younger women. Most of this is evolutionary. The younger female was more likely to be fertile and produce offspring.

(Conversely, this is also why you nave the stereotype of women liking older men. Evolutionarily, females are attracted to older, more dominant males who can provide for their children. Even though we’ve moved beyond that in society (some of us), evolution hasn’t caught up.)

The fact it, a girl is the most fertile in her early teens. For most of history, girls were having children by then. This was normal, as humans were likely to live to 30, and the child-bearing years couldn’t be wasted.

As society moved along, general health increased, and we live longer. There is no longer a need to rush into procreation. But, old habits die hard. For awhile, western society when the through Victorian Era, and the average age for girls to have their initial sexual experience shot up to 16 ½. But times have changed. We’ve gone back the other way, and sex is happening younger and younger. So, that’s a factor too.

However, while Britney takes some blame and so does evolution, I think the biggest reason that young girls behave this way is: emulating older girls. Which lead us to our next topic.

ARE WOMEN HYPOCRITES?
Young girls want to be like older girls, and women are dressing sluttier and sluttier. This too, is a disturbing trend—which I could write a whole column about—but for now I want to focus on the narrower issue of why SOME women dress so provocatively, and then get mad when guys stare and leer.

For many, perhaps even most girls, this isn’t an issue. Most girls that dress very sexily relish the attention their attire affords them. However, some women do not, and even many of the ones who do have those moments where they do a complete 180 and get all mad. You’ve been out there. You know what I’m talking about.

I’ve talked to girls who unabashedly put on push-up bras, the tightest skirts imaginable, and wear their “fuck-me” shoes. (Guys, if you’re unaware of what “fuck-me” shoes are, talk to a girl. In general, they are sling-back pumps. The idea is to shorten and accentuate the calf muscle. If a girl has ever shown cleavage or worn a tight shirt, she knows what these kinds of shoes are, and if she says she doesn’t, she’s lying.)

These girls will get all slutted up and then bitch about some guy staring at them at the club. Ladies: you can’t have it both ways. Yes, guys are lecherous monsters, and will press any advantage they can get. (Except I, who am a gentleman.) But what was that old expression Lini used to say? “Don’t display wares you don’t mean to sell.” Or at the very least, have men fogging up the window display peering inside hungrily.

HOW BIG IS TOO BIG?
I posed this question at Denny’s, to all the servers and customers I could find. I asked about both men (penises) and women (breasts). The men generally said—to both—the bigger the better; within reason. They wouldn’t mind being super-endowed, and they loved their women with tig ol’ bitties, I mean big ol’ titties. (With the exception of Jerry Springer-type girls. No man wanted that.)

Women, on the other hand, had a different reaction. To both male and female they said, “Too big and a girl can get hurt.” What do you think?

AND SOME WANT ALL THE CHICKEN IN THE BUCKET
You ask a guy if he’s a leg man, an ass man, or a breast man, usually he’ll answer. Personally, I’ve never understood this. What happened to Renaissance men, connoisseurs of all the meats of our cultural stew? Even more interesting, do women have these same debates about labels? Hold on while I ask them…..

[Pause]

Okay, I’m back. My very scientific survey of the female servers at Denny’s has yielded the opinion that women like certain types (rugged, athletic, slim, etc.), but this is more generalized to types rather than body parts. I did find several girls who were keen on asses and chests, but they didn’t consider that the absolute top priority.

READER RESPONSE TIME
Just now, sitting here writing, Braj—the god of Denny’s—gave me an idea. I want to write about what women know that men don’t know that they know, and vice versa. Please, write in and give me ideas. This will be HyperionX, so go nuts.

HOW TO TELL YOU’RE SLEEPING WITH A FRUIT
Finally, we return to the question that prompted this whole column. First, is there anything “wrong” with anal sex? It seems to me, if you condone oral sex, you’d have to concede anal sex is moral too. The only question then would be when you’re personally comfortable with it.

Being unmarried—and therefore a virgin—I have no personal thoughts on this issue. Que Sera Sera. From a hygiene standpoint, as long as certain precautions are taken, there isn’t any real risk.

But, what does it mean then that’s all the boy wants to do? Is he secretly gay? It’s a tough call. One the one hand, He could just like it nice and tight and just isn’t getting it, ahem, from current methods. This could be from the “stretch” factor or the “Irish Curse” factor. Again, issues I don’t know anything personally about, but one hears stories.

But could your Boy Friend be secretly gay? One would think there would be an objective way to measure this. I just looked online for some sort of test, but they seem unreliable. Besides which, if you’re boyfriend is secretly gay, he probably hides it by acting hyper-masculine, and doesn’t exude any of the “stereotypical” signs of gaydom. He probably doesn’t dress better than you. He likely has never camped out for 6 days to see a Streisand concert. And for sure, he doesn’t even have his Gay Decoder Ring that all openly gay men are issued by that secret gay society, the CSA.

So, how do you tell? See how often he uses derogatory language. While not foolproof, often when men use hostile language toward gay people, they are masking true feelings.

Next, see if he gets Men’s Health magazine. This is definitely hidden gay porn. They throw in the odd pictorial of a female hottie, but next time you’re at the store, take a look, and you’ll notice that there is always some muscular jock on the cover, and plenty more inside.

Finally, you could ask him if he wants you to cut off all your hair, tape down your breasts, and go by “Frank.” That’s a pretty good sign too.

Since Jadrian is really hot, I’m going to go ahead and say, “Yeah, he’s as queer as a 3 dollar bill. Run away. Run fast. Run far. Run to me.”

And that’s life in the monkey-screwing barn,

Hyperion
Written October 3^rd
Sent October 4, 2004

Credits
Thanks to Jadrian for the idea, and the pie
Thanks to all my Denny’s peeps who answered the call
Thanks to Koz for his editing help, and for talking me out of cleaning this up a bit
Praise be to Braj, from whom all blessings flow

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