Hyperion-X

Friday, March 24, 2006

Hyperion-X 965 Animated Jungle Fever

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Animated Jungle Fever

What would make Walt Disney turn over in his Grave (if he wasn’t cryogenically frozen, that is)

Several months ago one of my Questions of the Night was “Which female Disney character would you most want to sleep with?”

Let me tell you, friends; it almost shut down The Colorado’s where we were eating. Every server, line cook and busboy were arguing Ariel vs. Belle vs. Miss Bianca (the freaks). People, want to halt your office in its tracks for the better part of an hour? Bring this debate up.

The results were mixed. Most of the girls picked Belle (why? WHY????), while

The guys gave Ariel a slight advantage. To help you out, I imagined what each Disney girl might be like in bed based on her character traits. At the bottom, leave a message which one of them you’d pick. (Feel free to add one if I forgot your fave.)

Ariel (Little Mermaid) – She’d be too eager to please. She’d definitely do whatever you asked her too, but no creative fire. On the plus side, if you could get her to give up her voice, at least she wouldn’t talk, and the coconut bra is a plus. (Watch out for dad with pitchfork.)

Belle (Beauty and the Beast) – If you can get all those damn petticoats off she’s yours. Be careful; she’s attracted to the Beast, so she probably likes it rough. Either that or she’s a furry.

Esmeralda (Hunchback of Notre Dame) – She likes a man with a hump; so you know she’s a bit of a freak. Probably has an outfit or two for you to try on.

Mulan – She’d definitely want to be “the man” in the relationship. Try to keep her in front of you at all times.

Maid Marian (Robin Hood) – Another girl who lies costumes; wants to be rescued by an “outlaw thief” from her tower.

Pocahontas – Probably wants to light candles and listen to Enya sing about trees. (Since it’s probably never going to come up again, I want to tell my Pocahontas story. I was working at a movie theatre when Pocahontas came out. You had to label the reels when you built them, and instead of the real movie name we used alternative ones; really stupid names. For example, we called Braveheart “Brave Fart.” Anyway, they named Pocahontas “Square Faced Indian Chick.” When the Regional Manager came he told us we had to change it because it was insensitive. We changed it to “Poke-Her-Hot-Ass,” which the guy said was fine.)

Snow White – She lived with seven guys; will you be enough for her? On the plus side, she ate the poisoned apple, and swallowed!

Cinderella – The good news: she’s cool with your foot fetish. The bad news: she’ll expect fine clothes and fancy parties all the time. More bad news: her sisters are hideous, so they’ll be none of that.

Bambi’s Mom – Not sure what she could offer; I just think it would be cool to have a t-shirt that reads “I did Bambi’s Mom. " (If she's all burned up because of the fire, at least you could eat her)

Alice (Alice in Wonderland) – She doesn’t have a problem going down strange holes. (Sorry; that was bad; even for me)

Sleeping Beauty – As long as you won’t make too much noise, she won’t want to cuddle afterward (I really am horrible. Thank Evon my mom boycotts HyperionX)

Minnie Mouse – Do you know why Mickey broke up with Minnie? She was fucking goofy. My friend Pebbles told me that joke originally, and I didn’t get it, so when I told it I changed goofy to Pluto (thus obliterating the punch line, but making it funny in a different way).

Nuala (The Lion King) – She’s one fine pussy…cat

Lilo – Yeah, right. Like I’m going to prison just to write a column. Stitch on the other hand…..

Jane (Tarzan) – She’s a swinger, baby

Tinkerbell (Peter Pan) – She’s a jealous psycho, so be careful. However, she can fly to those hard to reach areas. You might be too “big” for her.

Jasmine (Aladdin) – Your ass is getting a handprint. This girl will show you a whole new world.

Dory (Finding Nemo) – Odds are you won’t make much of an impression on her. “How were you? I forget….”

Elastic Girl (The Incredibles) – I like a girl who can stretch, if you know what I mean….

Lady (Lady and the Tramp) – She’s one hot bitch. And though it goes without saying, you know how she wants it: doggy-style.

Hyperion
March 24, 2006

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