16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask. [I’m pretty sure the Bible talked about this: “You have not because you ask not…]

70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians. [I can’t really blame girls for this. Guys are the same way.]

11. She likes one of your friends. [Which one? Grrrrrrr. Bear, if you’re reading this, I’m on to you!]

61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions. [Absolutely. Just agree with how much her problems suck and how they’re not her fault. Follow Chris Rock’s advice and throw in a few “I told you that bitch crazy,” as every woman works with at least one other woman she can’t stand.]

51. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed. [You can try “not completely hideous,” but odds are you’re not as charming as I, and can’t pull that off]

33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. [I thought I was gross for occasionally wearing my boxers a second day, but ewwwwwww]

24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements. [I read once that women marry guys thinking they will change—and they never do—while guys marrying women thinking they won’t change—and they do]

22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time. [Again, I wouldn’t know about the sex part, but as a general proposition I can attest to the truthfulness here. Telling your girl about another girl always makes her more amorous]

69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it. [Uh, you think?]

20. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way. [Some significant way? Try every significant way]

19. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it. [This reminds of the lyrics to a Chris Rock song, “If a girl has a tongue ring, she’ll probably suck your dick. If a guy has a tongue ring, he’ll probably suck your dick”]

29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat. [Quick story: I used to work with this guy Curly, who was literally a 40 year old virgin. Curly had it in his mind that the girls were adding up what they ate, both not to look like a pig, and the total cost. Curly claimed that if a girl got to the end of a meal and ordered dessert, she was going to sleep with the guy. There might be some correlation—if a girl is comfortable enough to order dessert she might like the guy—but you see why Curly was involuntarily abstinent. Still, this theory of his led to a battle cry at work whenever we’d see a girl, “We’re going to Baskin Robbins!”]

15. Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys. [If a guy is available whenever she wants him, that tells the girl he’s not a “together” fellow. And if she can browbeat him that means he’s not a Man]

66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense. [More than anything else on this list, this item explains girls to a T]

17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy. [This is so true. I’m going to write an entire column about this. No matter what a woman tells you, they really don’t want the truth. They want hear what they want to hear, and they want that to BE the truth, but they don’t want the actual truth. And before you leave angry comments, ladies, you think about that]

Not bad. However, I think the Hyperion Nation can do better. I’m committed to writing our own list. If you have a “truth” about women, send it in and I’ll use it if you’re right.

Hyperion
March 9, 2006