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Movie-Hype00654 - WAITING…
“Shit, it’s going to be that kind of party! I’m going to stick my dick in the mash potatoes!”
This is the opening line of WAITING…, and pretty much tells you everything you need to know. Make no mistake, WAITING… is a bad movie. It’s not that well written, seems obsessed with male genitalia and homophobic jokes, doesn’t really have much of a point and has long tracks that go nowhere.
And yet, I’m currently writing this review as I watch it for the third time in one day. I think the reason is that I relate so much to this movie. If you’ve ever worked in the food service industry, you will feel right at home.
The movie takes place at ShenaniganZ, indistinguishable from 50 places you’ve been in your life, such as Chili’s, Applebee’s, Bennigan's, T.G.I. Fridays, and more. For some reason I really like these restaurants. I know they’re all the same and the wall stuff is tacky, but I like them anyway. I’ve never worked in one, but I have worked in a restaurant, and I understand. Believe me, I do.
WAITING… is one night in the life of this restaurant, the first day for a new employee, quite overwhelmed. We see certain “types” of shitty customers. The hick who tips two bucks on a Sixty-three dollar check. The foreigners who pretend not to speak English and pretend not to know how to tip. (I used to work right next to an
And then there’s the Beeeeeyotch. This can be men or women, but if you ask people who wait tables, they’ll tell you that usually it’s women. Their order is like a fucking appropriations bill, and then nothing can possibly ever be right. In the movie this bitch complains, and she finds out why, as one character puts it, “You NEVER fuck with people who handle your food.”
[I realize at this point I’m swearing a lot—hence the Hyperion-X review instead of normally on Movie-Hype—but that’s what WAITING… brought out of me. Swearing is often very situational. For example, most of us wouldn’t swear nearly as much at church or in front of our grandmother as we do with our friends. Along that line of thinking, nowhere to people swear as much as certain types of work, and restaurants have to come close to topping that list.]
The gang of employees includes a couple notable faces—such as Anna Faris of SCARY MOVIE fame, and the ever dreamy Ryan Reynolds as Monty. I have a heterosexual crush on him (which my brother Achmed avers is not so hetero). Whatever. I like that “Ryan Reynolds” character, and he’s in full bloom here, as a waiter with nothing better to do than come to work, the coolest guy in the room, and hit on girls (some of whom happen to be on the other side of the Mendoza line, age-wise).
A typical exchange. The group is trying to help this insecure guy who calls the girl all the time, always asks here what’s wrong, and basically asks like a pussy. After Anna Faris (Serena) gives the guy advice, Monty quips, “Take whatever she says with a big grain of salt.”
Serena shoots right back: “Take whatever he says with a big dose of penicillin.”
Not to be outdone, Monty asks, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but haven’t I been inside you?”
It’s that kind of movie. The two continue to argue, with Serena telling everyone about how bad Monty was in bed: “Once we got past the foreplay, you turned into the little engine that couldn’t hold his load!”
Monty responds: “Oh, what the fuck ever. If I was that bad, why were you at my house every night? I would just call and say, ‘I’m horny,’ and as if by some form of slut magic you’d appear. Now why is that?
If you’re not chuckling now, quit reading, because I have the bit in my teeth, and I’m going to reveal some more of this as I go.
Of course, we learn a little more about Monty in a hilarious flashback dinner with his mother (ably played by legend Wendie Malick). Keep in mind the following exchange is quite civil, at a nice sit down dinner, with Monty’s friend Dean sitting at the table too:
Monty's Mom: So I called your house today, at two. You were still asleep, weren't you?
Monty: That's an understatement.
Monty's Mom: So what did you do last night? I trust my little angel didn't do anything immoral.
Monty: Well, ummm... Let's see. I started by getting completely hammered drunk. It was bad. Then drove, while intoxicated, to pick up this disease-infested hooker.
Monty's Mom: Uh huh...
Monty: From there... uh, let's see. Me and the hooker went back to my place...
Monty's Mom: The hooker and I. [Hyperion’s note: this would so be my mom, at least this part]
Monty: Excuse me. The hooker and I went back to my place and from there... God, it was just a blur of intravenous drug abuse and unprotected sex, while taking the Lord's name in vain.
Monty's Mom: Dean, did you know that when Monty was a child everyone thought he was retarded?
Monty: Dean, doesn't my mom look old? I mean, much older than she rightfully should?
Monty's Mom: So why aren't you and Serena still together? I liked her.
Monty: I don't know. I guess it got old. We had a relationship based on orgasms.
Monty's Mom: Oh, how charming. You are being safe aren't you? I don't think I could handle the idea of you reproducing.
Monty: Come on, mom! Of course I'm being safe. I pull out.
Monty's Mom: Yes, well your father pulled out too but we've all seen the tragic end of that story.
Monty: You think I wanna have kids? Absolutely not! That's why I stick to anal sex.
Monty's Mom: If only I had been so lucky.
Tell me you’re not laughing!
Much is made of the three most potentially offensive items: the full frontal male nudity, the homophobic jokes, and the underage sex thing. In the restaurant, the guys have a game where you try to get other guys to look at your penis and or testicles, imaginatively titled “the penis-showing game.” (For those really squeamish out there, we only get one “money” shot, and it’s obviously fake. At least, I sure hope so.) Depending on the move you use to pull this off, you get to kick the other guy so many times in the ass. Just as importantly—and this is where reviewers were getting upset—you call the guy a fag for looking at your package.
I don’t consider myself homophobic, and this didn’t offend me, partly because having worked in a restaurant, I understand what’s going on. The behavior—which is more homoerotic—is I suppose in an abstract way gay-bashing, but that’s not really how it plays out. It’s mostly just guys messing with guys. What can I say? If you haven’t worked in a restaurant, you don’t understand that so much worse shit happens to you ever night that a few veiny balls aren’t that big a deal.
| Rating Guide Suspension of Disbelief: 2. I’ve seen every one of those customers, and I’ve seen every one of those employees. The measures they take to deal with a bitchy woman is extreme, but not beyond the pale. Genre Grade: Think offensive gross out comedy. Basically, if you liked AMERICAN PIE, you should like WAITING… Still, it’s not as much a cohesive movie as it is an experience, so C+. Family Fare? Absolutely not. Tons and tons of language. Also, be warned. The frontal nudity is faked, but there is a scene where a woman sends her steak back to the kitchen…I had to close my eyes as the steak was “doctored.” Shudder. Kickassability: 70. Just about as bad-ass as you can get without actual ninja fights. Pantheon Percentile: |
(And for the record, I did work in a restaurant where this happened, and there were also gay guys who worked there. They certainly weren’t offended by the occasional cock-flash, and not because they were turned on or anything, but because they are just as cool as anyone else. It’s the same way that most black people don’t get uptight about the occasional stereotype done in good fun—in my experience black guys make more jokes than white guys ever could—or how most women will call other women bitches more than guys will, or how most red-heads don’t actually have a temper….okay, scratch that last one. Them girls are just scary.)
The other supposedly taboo issue is the underage thing. Again, if you’ve worked in a place that combines 16 and 17 year olds with 20 year olds, you’ve seen this. All joking aside, I’m not in favor of the exploitation of young girls. Just scroll through the Hyperion Chronicles Table of Contents to confirm this. But I don’t consider this situation to be out of the ordinary. Many 17 year old girls like 22 year old guys. It’s a fact. You all know that. And they may be idiots, but these girls know what they’re doing as much as an 18 year old girl does. I mean, does any teenager know what they’re doing? No. But relatively speaking, they’re on their own by then.
(One of my favorite parts is when one girl—over 18—complains to her boyfriend that he just likes her for sex. She says this while dressed like a hooker (she’s a bartender). Her defense: “Just because I dress slutty doesn’t mean I am slutty.” I Forrest Gump’s mom would have something to say about this.)
The Underage thing does give us some great lines. At one point Monty is talking to Raddimus (played by Luis Guzmán, one of my all-time favorite actors) about hooking up with his girl if they break up. Raddimus says, “Even if we did break up, you’d stand no chance man. She’s got this thing about dating grown men who’ve had sex with 16 year old girls.”
Monty has a comeback: “See, that’s the problem with women, okay? They’re always trying to project their own values on you.”
Later, he gives an inspiring speech to the newbie:
“You see I don't, I don't work with any exact boundaries of the law because I wasn't consulted when the god damn laws were made. No, instead nameless, faceless politicians, the so called protectors of the moral majority decide what is right and what is wrong. I mean come on. I govern my life around my own personal code of ethics, and I suggest that you do the same. That way if, within the constructs of my own morality, I were to do something that is considered illegal, so be it. I feel no guilt whatsoever and furthermore, if I were to buckle under the social weight of the system by adhering to laws that I do not truly believe in then I would be extinguishing the very fire of patriotism and individuality. So in sense, by having sex with Natasha, I'd be preserving the rights our four fathers fought and died for, right.”
Makes you almost want to cheer.
I can’t believe I’ve written this much about a bad movie, but what can I say? I laughed all the way through. Chi McBride plays the dishwasher, an old black guy with all that Old Black Guy knowledge. He’s great. The two very white dishwashers think they’re black rappers. (And make sure you stick through ALL the credits, as they have a gangster rap that you will not believe.)
The movie gets everything right, from the horribly lame training videos you’re forced to watch in orientation, to the fake pep talk the manager gives before the evening rush.
(At one point, the manager tells the cooks to seize the day, and one of them replies, “Yeah, carpe deez nuts!”)
Watching WAITING… I felt like I was in a time machine. When I worked at Pizza Hut, I hated it and couldn’t wait to get out. I look back on it now with nostalgia. I miss having a group of people that shared my misery. I miss hating customers, swapping war stories about the fucked up things they do. I miss going out after work and hanging out at a different restaurant, or wondering when the next party was. Maybe I just don’t have many friends up here in Canada, or maybe I miss being able to make a pizza whenever I wanted, or maybe I just miss always having money in my pocket, and at least thinking I was rich. (Too dumb to understand that tip money should be saved for bills. I swear: you have all that cash on you, and you think you’re loaded.)
I don’t know. I just know that WAITING… set off something in me. We’re talking an absolute must-see for people who’ve worked in a restaurant, or understand that culture. As for the rest, I’m not going to hate on anybody who hates this movie, but in a small sad way, I’d pity them. They just don’t understand.
© 2000-2012 by Hyperion All Rights Reserved. I'm guessing most of you are too stupid to read this far down, so I feel no compunction about bragging to my friends about your wife/girlfirend/mother/irish setter