Hyperion-X

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Hyperion X 962 - The Pile

HyperionX⁹⁶²

The Pile

People I hate so much that I am declaring them unfit for civilization, and they must live out their years on a midden heap. Ouch.

I knew this girl named Katie in high school. Whenever she was mad at me (or anybody), she would commend us to “The Pile.” The Pile of What? Well, if you have to ask…the odds are you’re too dumb to understand the sophisticated irony of a Gilligan’s Island episode, let alone Hyperion X, so get thee to an Adam Sandler movie, for we’ll have none of ye!

I have decided to start my own Pile. If you like the idea, send in your ideas (put “THE PILE” in the subject line), and future Hyperion Xs will have the people you feel deserve this ignominious end.

And without further ado……

People who belong in the Pile of Shit:

CELEBRITY COMMENTATORS
VH1 and E! have spawned an entire generation of people famous for no other reason than they give catty comments about celebrities on those crappy-ass shows about the fashion, faux pas and fuck ups various celebrities make.

Hey, I have no love for most celebrities, and it pisses me off even more that I’m forced to defend them. But at least they are famous for something. (Except for Paris Hilton, who seems to be famous only for being famous, but I suppose even that takes a sort of talent. I mean, those professional athletes aren’t going to blow themselves!)

But the commentators…what have they ever done? And do you hear the way they talk about these celebrities? It’s a mixture of psycho-analysis, totally trashing the person while taking them way too seriously. Celebrities have many problems, and do many stupid things, but most of us wouldn’t look all that great if we were in the spotlight all the time.

Do they bring it on themselves? Maybe. Part of it is the price of fame, and part of it comes when you get overexposed. Then again, most celebrities aren’t all that bright. Their careers are “handled” by everyone from agents to studios to magazines desperate to sell copies.

Again, it makes my skin crawl to defend celebrities. But the people who go on TV shows to talk about the celebrities, judge their every action and outfit as if the fate of the world hangs on it….these people actually make me feel sorry for celebrities sometimes, and that makes them total pieces of shit, and richly deserving of The Pile.

GIRLS WHO WEAR OUTFITS THAT DISPLAY WARES THEY DON’T MEAN TO SELL BUT DESPERATELY WANT YOU TO “WINDOW SHOP,” WHO THEN GET MAD WHEN YOU DO JUST THAT
You’re a girl. You wear a tight-fitting tank top. Yes, the garment allows you get some sun (or show off a nice tan), and also is cooler than a shirt that (gasp!) covered your shoulders. But those reasons—at best—are secondary and tertiary considerations.

A form fitting tank top is worn primarily with one goal in mind: show off your girls.

I’m not hating on this. In fact, would that more women follow this fine example.

But here’s my problem: A girl wears a tank top (or other outfit) totally designed to call attention to her breasts or some other part of her body, and then she gets pissed when men do just that.

Who are you fooling, “ladies?”

If you’re going to dress like a whore, I’m all for it, but you cannot then get indignant when male eyes run over your body. If anything, you should feel damn lucky men aren’t waving twenty dollar bills at your chest.

I’ve heard from women who say they don’t mind an appreciative glance, but have major problems with leering. That’s a fair point….IF YOU’RE DRESSED LIKE A NORMAL WOMAN. It’s near impossible to stop a man from looking at an attractive woman, and most girls don’t have a problem with this. A nice glance to let them know you appreciate how they look. (And hopefully they don’t catch you looking at anything untoward. There’s actually a fine art to this, and remind me to tell you about it later.)

If a woman is dressed normally and some guy is leering, I say she has every right to get pissed or slap his face or whatever.

But that’s not what I’m talking about. Every guy knows what I’m talking about. And every woman, well, you may not want to admit it, but you know who I’m talking about.

(Maybe it’s even you!)

There are women who want to dress provocatively. The modern fashions they call it. A more honest label would be hooker-chic. Some women wear these clothes because they want men to ogle them, to caress their bodies with his eyes. That’s fine. (If a woman does this all the time and isn’t a hooker, I think we need to have a conversation about self-esteem issues, but every once in a while…who am I to tell a girl she’s not allowed to flaunt it a bit?)

But women who dress slutty and then get an attitude when they’re stared at…I have no time for these bitches. And neither should you. They go on The Pile.

KOFI ANNAN
I’m still too angry to talk about this bastard, so his trashing will have to wait until next week.

Have you thought of any people you want on The Pile? Send ‘em in, and we’ll print your answers.

Posted by Hyperion :: 6:45 AM :: Permalink :: 1 comments