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Monday, June 11, 2007

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I first heard the monumental news driving home Friday afternoon. I’ve never had any thoughts on Paris Hilton one way or the other, but this latest event caused both my mother and girlfriend to get up in arms, angry they let Paris out in the first place, gleeful she was sent back in such horrible fashion. What is it about this woman that causes so many people such strong feelings? Who knows? That is not my purpose today. I realized I have been missing out on comic opportunities here. The following is what I wish WOULD HAVE happened after Paris returned to jail, and frankly: there’s still time.

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What Child is This?

From Sinner to Savior in Three Acts

First, Paris continues to get worse from her mysterious illness. Within a few days she’s in a coma.

"That's so not hot"

The Perfect Storm

A veritable cottage industry of medical commentators pops up on the cable news networks. (Much like how there were suddenly 887 retired generals when the Iraq War started and by the way: have you noticed that cottage industries are always “veritable”?) Former Surgeon General C. Everett Coop comes out of retirement, but by the time he’s ready to offer his services the only place left for him to opine is HGTV. (This fall he has a new show called “This Old Coop,” which will feature birdcage makeovers.)

The other idea was "Coop on Coops"

News anchors, fans, followers, crazies and zealots all show up at UCLA Hospital to stand vigil for Paris. You know how L.A. has China Town, Korea Town and Little Tokyo? The area surrounding the hospital is now known as Chez Paris. Think of a Shanty Town, if it were outfitted by Dolce and Gabbana.

Many of her fans, led by TV partner Nicole Ritchie, who has had a spiritual awakening, vow not to eat until Paris wakes up and is able to as well. Thus the Paris Hilton diet is born.

Deepak Chopra writes “The Simple Life: The Tao of Paris and the Zen of Hilton Maintenance.” It instantly becomes a bestseller, outselling the 7th Harry Potter book 3 to 1. Because of the book, and a vast reinterpretation of Paris’s show “The Simple Life,” thousands flock to L.A. They cast off family, jobs and life and come to live in Chez Paris, wearing nothing but hot-pink robes. (Which you can order in the new Donna Karan catalog for $189.99.)

(Calvin Klein prayer beads cost extra)

As Paris lingers in a coma a growing chorus of voices calls for her feeding tube to be removed because “Paris wouldn’t’ve wanted to have bad skin.” Conservative politicians had been blasting Paris non-stop as the cause of all things wrong in our society. Now, however, they find themselves torn. She’s evil, but now there’s a chance for Schiavo: Part II, and a prettier version at that. Pat Robertson gets involved, claiming that Paris’s coma is a result of her wickedness, and boldly predicting that if she does not turn from her wicked ways California will suffer a devastating earthquake and plunge into the sea. (How she is supposed to repent from a coma is not explained.)

It even looks like her (If you've seen the infmaous tape, that is...)

Then the Perfect Storm becomes a Perfect Hurricane.

It is revealed that Paris Hilton has become pregnant while in the coma. Vegas sets up odds on possible fathers and over 350 billion dollars are wagered. Frontrunners include the L.A. Sheriff who let her out in the first place and the judge who seemed to have such a hard-on to put Paris back in jail. (Turns out that hard-on was more literal then we thought.) Other frontrunners: Fez from That ‘70s Show, Haley Joel Osment, George Michael for some reason and even Bill Clinton, who had been very moved by Paris and visited her more than a few times.

Nicole Ritchie has one that says "Do Not Feed"

[The preceding paragraph implies a sexual assault of some kind, and we here at the Hyperion Institute DO NOT advocate that, not even to Paris Hilton. The way we imagine it, Paris has one of those Medical Alert bracelets on her wrist that reads: “In case of coma, all sex consensual, cuz THAT’S hot.” Admit it: with Paris, it’s entirely possible.]

Is that Paris, or just some fungus?

As the arrival day grows nearer people start seeing Paris in everyday objects, like Armani handbags and Manolo Blahniks. A theory is put forth that perhaps the child growing within Paris was immaculately conceived, causing thousands more to come to Chez Paris to worship. Surprisingly, Pat Robertson is among them.

Jimmy Kimmel jokes in a monologue that what really happened is that there was so much sperm in Paris Hilton’s body already that some of them simply hid out until they could make their move. The resulting uproar is so intense that ABC is forced to fire Kimmel, replacing him with Don Imus.

The baby is born. The National Enquirer offers twenty million dollars for pictures. Days go by until a hospital orderly manages to sneak a cell phone image out. The picture is grainy and blurry, but definitely seems to show that Paris’s baby is a bit more “dusky” than one would have guessed. Imus immediately calls for all black men in Southern California to be DNA tested against the baby, with execution for the father. For some strange reason suspicion falls on Gary Coleman.

"Whatchu talkin' about, Paris?"

Different Strokes indeed.

Meanwhile, the REAL father sneaks into the hospital to see his son. He originally found Paris while in Chez Paris looking for the “real killers,” and felt connected to the young woman. After all, had they not both been mistreated by the justice system?

"These are my baby-handling gloves!"

When OJ Simpson saw mother and son he knew he had to get them all out of there. (Later it was revealed that the boy was named “Au Jus,” which both parents assumed was French for “OJ.”) Simpson grabs the two and makes his escape not in a white Ford Bronco, but on a white bronco, an actual horse.

Not Pictured: Al Cowlings

If you thought the original chase was slow, you should see this one. The bronco moves off at a steady clip-clop as residents pour out of the hospital, following their hometown savior. (The pace is slow enough for cripples in wheelchairs, crutches and canes to follow. Many will later claim spontaneous healing when they saw Au Jus.) The Glaucoma and Cancer patients lead the way, waving Marijuana leaves around the bronco and shouting “Hosanna!”

You'll never look at Palm Sunday the same way again

Meanwhile, the up-and-down motion of the horse rousts Paris, and she begins to stir. OJ stops the steed and motions to everyone that Paris is awake. The crowd hushes expectantly, hopeful to hear the first spoken words by their messiah. Paris takes a long look at the crowd, her baby Au Jus and her baby daddy OJ. Finally she opens her mouth and says….

And here is where I need your help! I’ve come this far but can’t decide what Paris says! Leave a comment saying what the first words from Paris Hilton’s mouth are, and Wednesday we will declare a winner. And remember: keep your fingers crossed: this could still happen. In Southern California, I’d believe anything.

"Bow down before the one you serve...you're going to get what you deserve"

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