Hyperion-X

Monday, January 30, 2006

HyperionX - 968

HyperionX⁹⁶⁸

The Hate List grows

An ever increasing group of things I intensely loathe (and don’t look at me like that, you bastard, or I’ll put you on too)

Two of the earlier Xs (HyperionX⁹⁹⁶ and HyperionX⁹⁷⁰) dealt with things I hate. As I bring the column back for its first run since 2004, I thought it’d be appropriate to start off with more things I hate. Actually, this is more a product of the irritation I was feeling this week toward all things. But whatever. Don’t hate.

I HATE THE SOUTH BEACH DIET
Actually, I’ll go further: I hate South Beach itself, all of Miami, all of Florida, and anyone who’s ever been to Florida. And I hate South Beach Nazis. South Beach may be right for you. I’m not hating on that. What I hate are the people who can talk of nothing else, and demand you listen to them speak of its wonders forever and ever.

Why does this come up? I tried South Beach this week. I didn’t do it for a diet; I’m against diets, especially ones that make you completely restrict what is an essential food. I’m not sure I buy a diet that says white rice is evil, when well over 1/3 of the world eats it for every meal every single day, and somehow seem to survive. But whatever.

If the chemistry hocus pocus in South Beach works at all, it works because you follow it to the letter. And enter me. A friend of mine wasn’t getting support from her family while on South Beach, and was cheating almost every day. She didn’t see it as cheating, but it was.

So, I did South Beach with her, to support her, and show her what it was not to cheat. At all. (Just because I don’t support something doesn’t mean I can’t do it all the way.)

Well, not only did my fine example make zero impression, but just four days of South Beach turned me into an irritable bastard. I snarled at everyone. Actually, the reason I made this stupid list is because of South Beach. I think at the very least one has to concede that no diet, however wonderful it may be, works for everyone. I ate approximately 3954 salads in the four days. In fact, though I didn’t cheat—not once—I hate more than I’ve ever eaten before in my life. And I still was hungry. No, not hungry: ravenous. I learned my lesson.

I HATE HAMAS AND THE IDIOT PALESTINIAN VOTERS
[Note: this section ran too long, so I took out all the bad words and am making it a regular column.]

I HATE MY OLD COLUMN READERS
When I switched to web-based writing, I knew I’d lose some people. They’d just be too lazy to take two minutes and sign up for to get email notification. But I didn’t know how many I’d lose. Does this mean they never read all along? I don’t know. I realize it’s life and it’s necessary for the evolution of my writing, but it still stings, shakes my confidence, and right now I hate them. How hard would it have been to sign up? If you see one of those people, give them a noogie for me, eh?

I HATE ANYONE WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER B
I was adding up all the people I’m mad at, and they all had B names, so rather than list them all individually, I figured this way would save time. Death to the Bs!!

I HATE CHILD MOLESTERS
I don’t have more to say about it at this time then I said in #352, but I didn’t want to write a “Hate” column without them being mentioned.

Actually I DO have more to say about this, but I need to wait a couple of weeks and see how things play out first.

I HATE PEOPLE WHO DON’T LIKE DINOSAUR COMICS, WHO WON’T EVEN CLICK ON THE LINKS I SO THOUGHTFULLY PROVIDE
I mean, I take the time to read them and chose funny ones, and Monkey Barn readers won’t even take a gander? It makes me want to throw koz at them. (Koz is my new slang term for pile of shit.)

I HATE PEOPLE WHO TAKE MY WATER BOTTLE
How hard is it to keep your own filled? Geez.

I HATE PEOPLE WHO CHEAT ON DIETS
Wait: I already covered this one. I was emotional when I made this list. Let’s move on.

I HATE THE STATE OF GEORGIA MOTOR VEHICLES BUREAU
Most of you know I’m up in Witness Protection here in Canada (formerly the Frozen North, although this winter the not-so-cold North). But my license is still in Georgia. Well, it expired on my birthday last December, and the haters at the DMV won’t let me renew it. This means I can’t drive up here! Denny’s, movies, and everything else is now a complete ordeal. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

I HATE PEOPLE WHO GET SHOWS CANCELLED
How can people complain there is nothing good on TV? These are the same people who don’t watch the really good stuff, and then it gets cancelled. Don’t get me wrong: there’s a lot of good stuff on the air, maybe even a golden age for TV. But the list of shows cancelled that were great or good (or could have been) goes on and on. Just off the top of my head I can think of Arrested Development, Wonderfalls, Firefly, John Doe, Angel, Eyes, Karen Sisco, Boomtown, and of course who can forget the ‘90s, where cancelled shows littered the field. (For more, see my top ten cancelled shows of all time.)

I HATE TV EXECUTIVES WHO DON’T RERUN PRIMETIME
How hard would it be to rerun their primetime lineup (8-11, give or take an hour, depending on where you live), after their late night shows are done? I know they would get more viewers late at night. I realize the reason the networks don’t rerun the shows during the week (usually) is to force people to watch the shows at a specific time, for the advertisers, but couldn’t they rerun the same commercials? I’m sure the advertisers wouldn’t mind, if they got a reduced rate. This way people who work or don’t have TIVOs or VCRs or whatever could watch their favorite programs. Who’s with me?

I HATE THE ROAD RUNNER
I hate that bird-bastard. I hate his condescending “meep meep” and how he always foils Wile E. Coyote. I love the coyote, and would love to see him take out the stupid Road Runner, and then grill and eat him. Now that would bring me back to Loony Toons.

I HATE THE MORONS IN CANADA WHO CAN’T SPEAK
I get that people in different regions will have different accents and pronunciation. That’s fine with me. But there are some words…For example, the words “pasta,” “drama” and “Mazda” are pronounced up here like the “a” in “pastor.” That nasal a. It’s horrible. Why do these words piss me off so much? Because pasta is Italian. The good people in Italy say pasta a certain way. Mazda is a god in Japan. They say it a certain way. And drama is…I don’t know, some language, but it’s pronounced more like “father” than “pastor.” So, when Canadians (and it’s virtually everybody) say those three words so wrong, it’s hard to take them seriously. It’s hard enough to take Canada seriously as it is, but when they say words like this I just want to laugh until my sides ache.

I HATE HATERS (THAT PRE-HATE)
Let me tell you how stupid these insufferable idiots are. A show like THE BOOK OF DANIEL comes out, about a pastor whose family has a lot of problems, including—try not to faint, here—a gay son! And before anyone’s seen the show these self-righteous groups like the Parents Research Council and the American Family Association are setting up boycotts. They haven’t even seen the show! For the moment, I’m not even trying to argue what is and what isn’t a sin. But to completely prejudge a program before you even see it. Like no show could possibly have a gay son without being evil and a threat to Christianity.

It’s especially galling how (some) of the same people will gleefully ignore other such behavior on TV they consider a sin all because that stuff doesn’t bother then. (Like Ross and Rachel hooking up, or Jack Bauer cold-bloodedly murdering someone.) But the gay thing sickens them, so they get all righteous about how it’s a religious issue, and it’s hurting family values.

I’m too upset about this, so I realize I need to write an entire column (especially once the Oscar nominations come in, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN gets a bunch, and people start to fly off the handle, people who haven’t even seen the film.)

So, what’s bugging you? Write in and tell me, and we’ll do this again, soon.

Hyperion
January 27, 2006

Posted by Hyperion :: 2:00 PM :: Permalink :: 1 comments